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Different Types of Exes
Aren’t we all somebody’s ex? Your partner is someone’s ex just as you are someone else’s ex. Ask the Kardashians . Except you are one of those who marry their lifelong partner or never dated until, ”I am ready.” I bet some peeps who have had at least one terrible relationship envy you. Not me, I’m glad I have a few exes *wink*
To my fellow someone’s ex 😀, check out what category your ex(es) fall into. This categorization is based on my experiences and that of people I know.
1. Monitoring Spirit a.k.a Stalker
This ex monitors your life either on social media or through mutual friends. They want to know all there is about you. Who you’re dating or married to, what you’re doing, how you’re doing academically, financially, spiritually, mentally, etc, mostly because they want you back or they just seem not to understand what ‘it is over between us’ means.
2. The Patient
This is an upgrade of the Monitoring spirit. I once had an ex in this category. Years after our breakup, he started calling me to discuss his new or prospective relationships. This type of ex starts by telling you how much they miss you, how you are the best they’ve ever had and how they regret losing you, bla bla blah. When you eventually get them to understand that you are not coming back, they turn you into their shrink. I couldn’t take it anymore when the calls started to deprive me of sleep. Why call your ex in the middle of the night to discuss you new partner? Pheew! 👀
3. The Self-Appointed Guardian
This ex feel it is their responsibility to take care of you and sort of help manage your affairs. ”What’s up with you?” ”How is life?” ”Are you seeing anyone?” ”Why are you not yet married?” ”How’s work, family, etc?”
I even get ”Have you started having sex?’‘ ”When will you start having sex?” No jokes 🙈 This type of ex is not toxic, they actually do really care about you which is why they’ve appointed themselves the position of a guardian. Although coming from a good place, this ex could be a bit annoying.
4. Best Friends/Family Friends
This is the ex you parted ways with due to circumstances beyond your control such as health issues, religion, different dreams or by mutual understanding. The breakup may usually be pretty tough for a while especially in the days or months immediately after the breakup, but somehow you both come to terms with your decision and decide to stay close friends.
The problem here is, such ex might become your measuring stick for other relationship(s). It’s worse if the family and friends loved you and were already seeing you as a part of their family before the breakup.
In this category fall those who won’t stop calling your mum, remain friends with your friends and attend your family functions.
5. The Automated Teller Machine
Mostly, it’s the men who fall victim of this. You know that ex who never stops calling you for financial assistance. She had your mumu button, and the breakup has not taken power away from her. You guys broke up centuries ago but you still take care of their bills and the annoying part is, they sometimes act entitled. God help you, your new partner finds out about this regular financial ‘assistance’ to your ex. You go fear alimony now… 😆😅
6. Satan Be Gone
“B*tch, bye forever!!!”
“Get the heck outta my life!” (in Cookie Lyon’s voice)
This ex was all shades of wrong; from being possessive, jealous, controlling, physically, sexually or verbally abusive to being an unrepentant cheat, he/she was just wrong. You still can’t wrap your head around how you were with such a person. The mere mention of their name is enough to ruin your mood. They hurt you that bad.
7. The Avenger
The ex that goes the extra mile to drag you, wash your dirty linen in public, even spread lies about you. Anything just to make your life miserable and hurt you for leaving them. They don’t care how low they go. Big baby and the worst kinda ex.
8. I Want You Back
If you are given the chance, you will take this ex back in the blink of an eye. Yes, you messed up big time and it’s all your fault. You are still in love with this ex but it’s too late. You can’t stop wondering, ‘What if…?’
9. The Okafor
You must have heard of The Okafor’s law that says, ‘Once debe, is forever debe‘. There might be no deep feelings anymore and all the reasons that made you leave in the first place remains, but the sexual attraction is still damn strong! This ex seems to get hottier and sexier by the day.
Me: Would you go back even for just one night?
You: Don’t you mean to ask how many times have we hooked up again?!
Me: Stop eet! 🙉🙉
10. The MF (eem-eef)
”We only broke up few weeks ago and now she’s engaged/married to someone else?” ”Wait what? My ex is already a baby daddy? It’s barely two months we broke up!”
How did you not see that coming?
Which one of these exes do you have and which one are you? Let’s see… I am a shrink to 2, and a partial number 3😁
Photo credit: Getty, Gelax Chatroom
Featuring: Asha Ray & Cynthia