I have fears
I worry because I am scared
And I’m scared of my fears.
I’m scared that my boss will find out
There was nothing special about me in the first place.
I’m scared that after discovering my incompetence,
He would say to me, “Bolaji, maybe you shouldn’t resume work next month.”
I’m scared that if I open up to my once-upon-a-time best friend about my struggles,
She will finally find a reason to stay away from me
Because she can’t deal with my baggages.
This same fear stops me from opening up to my new best friend.
My fears cause me to stay STRONG at all times – never to be caught weak.
My fears cause me to be too defensive whenever I feel someone is prying.
My fears cause me to push to often times be a lone ranger.
I’m scared that all he says about me would come true.
Oh, how he derives pleasure in cursing me.
He’s told me time and again that I bring shame to him,
He whose spermatozoa fertilized my Gold’s ovum.
I worry sometimes that my baby sister would be more relevant than I am
It could be because he’s always saying, “Don’t you see your sister, Mama? Are you not ashamed your sisters are doing better than you?”
After all, no one calls any of my three parents by my name -even though I’m the firstborn child.
I fear that I will be part of the statistics of
“Most likely to succeed who never succeeded.”
I fear that if I deviate from my dreams,
I’ll never find my way back.
They say I’m too ambitious, but I am only so because I’m scared.
I fear that if I let their talks get to me, I will become complacent with whatever career path they push me into
And I’ll never be the Tyler Perry of my time.
I fear that if I let that happen,
I’ll never be a happy girl again for the rest of my life.
Oh, for the times I feared I wouldn’t get food to eat the next day, so I stopped eating much.
When I started making enough money to pay my tithe, reach out to people around me, and still have enough to stash away,
I began eating so much I became a foodie.
But when the cash flow became unsteady, I remained a foodie
Because I was scared of getting used to hunger.
Sometimes, I worry that I may not be able to pay my mama back all the money I’ve loaned from her.
Funny, she remembers every single one of them.
Oh I worry that I won’t I be able to repay all the other fathers I’ve been blessed with
For their guidance, love, support, and prayers.
I want to have a set of twins.
Heck! I want triplets.
But I’m scared of having stretch marks that would never go away after birthing my bundles of joy.
What if I never get this beautiful shape back?
Then again, I’m too scared to say it out loud because I fear being tagged vain and non-African.
I called off two almost-engagements (well, they came with no rings)
Because I sensed they wanted me to deviate from my dreams.
One wanted me to be a teacher,
And the other… let’s leave that.
Honestly, I sometimes worry whenever my beloved aunty Tope and my grandparents
Remind me of how old I am and how all my four closest friends from the university are married with kids.
It makes me worry even though I try not to.
He says my small stature is what’s deceiving me.
He constantly reminds me of how much I’ve failed him.
He compares me to my sisters at every chance he gets.
He talks about how much he has spent on me and how little his return on investment has been.
He says, “How do you think you can be successful when you don’t make me proud of you?”
He tells me to come back home so, “We can find you a job in the Ministry of Agriculture.”
What about my dreams?
What about what I want?
Why don’t you ever ask me?!
Oh, how I worry sometimes about how much drama he would cause on my wedding day –just because he can.
I’ve always dreamed of adopting an autistic child ever since God brought an Angel my way.
But I fear what would happen if my husband says he doesn’t want that responsibility.
Worse still, I’m scared I might shower my biological children and my adopted blessings with more love than the Angel.
Of all the things I’m scared of,
I fear how miserable I’ll be till the day I breathe my last if I don’t live my dreams…
To adopt about a dozen children
To have a loving husband and a great family
To be stinking rich and influential
To be remembered centuries after my demise of the battles I conquered, of the lives touched and the inspiration my life would be to generations yet unborn.
I was scared of baring my heart to YOU because I fear you’d see me as weak and in my most vulnerable state.
However, my greatest fear is letting the fear of my fears hold me back.
I am drop-dead gorgeous
I am super smart
I am very creative
I am sassy
I am goofy
I am a happy child
I am a hard worker
I am an excellent actor and presenter and,
I keep writing even when I don’t feel I’m doing it well.
I am going to be one of the greatest filmmakers in history.
I am going to be a mother to nations.
I am going to be a role model to millions.
These are the reasons I do not let my fears stop me.