Figuring out Miss Independent

Tell me how many men you know today who do not desire to have an independent woman. You know those kinds your mother (read African mother) may not exactly approve of at first because she seems to have everything -but a man.

Now, this independent women oftentimes play too hard to get. I mean, unlike their dependent counterparts, these women have it all (act that way, at least), so what could a man possibly entice them with? It’s why it’s surely celestial when a man gets himself an independent woman; it may even take a while for the reality to sink in, and he fears messing things up.

An independent woman is unlike the traditional woman. She is the modern day feminist who believes in being responsible for herself as opposed to waiting to be “saved” by some prince charming with sinzu money. She would rather work for all that she needs than rely on the provision from a lover.

An independent woman stands firm and cannot be cowered into silence. She believes in the equality of gender; her works, being and attitude prove that. When she is in love, she is as equally invested, especially in terms of finances, as her partner.

Months ago, my friend, Musanjufu Benjamin Kavubu set out on a quest to figuring out Miss Independent and what you’re reading now is a revised version of my collaboration with him on the topic. We hope that by addressing this, we can shed some light on this predicament that may seem small but has resulted in many losing out the preciousness of having a beautiful relationship with independent women.

Most societies believe that men are superior to women and this belief is reflected in relationships, too. This explains why a patriarchal mother might not be too happy with her son dating a Miss Independent. She, like many others, believes that an independent woman would turn her son into a weakling – a man who is completely docile to everything a woman wants and says. For some funny reason, this paragraph reminds me of Tony Umez aka Durling in Nollywood films. LOL

Independent women have their perspective on life and relationship. Yeah, we know women are generally complicated but you see the independent lot amongst them, they are definitely more difficult to decipher. Most especially when they start to really love you.

Truth be said, it takes a lot to grow into a woman who is ‘complete’ in herself and it is at that stage you can say, she is independent. Being independent does not have anything to do with age and neither is it necessarily as a result of failed relationships or bad experiences with men; a 14-year-old girl can have as independent a mindset as a 35-year-old lady.

Independent women, most times, have not only material wealth but intellectual wealth as well. They are self-aware, self-confident, self-reliant, can boost of a good measure of self-esteem, and this makes them self-sufficient. They know exactly what (who) they want, how they want it, when and where they want it. They became who they are because they worked hard and as such they don’t believe they need a man to complete them or provide their needs.

Miss Independent in a relationship

It’s no surprise then that even when in a committed relationship, these self-reliant women tend to do or want things done their way. They could go as far as executing projects completely on their own even when they truly value you as their partner. This probably explains why they come off as intimidating, detached and unemotional.

To make a case for them, I’d say it’s because they’ve learnt to compartmentalize. They’ve also mastered how to be wholesome and own a distinctive voice.

When they are newly in a relationship, doing things without letting their partners know is a sign of the boundaries in their head that are yet to be broken. They are letting you know that they can make informed decisions of their own without needing you, your opinion or contribution. After all, they’ve been doing well on their own before you came into the picture.

Here’s an interesting twist…

When a Miss Independent needs you, she most likely will never show it nor ask, even when the want is clear, the need aspect is always left out. It’s like some kind of crusade for her to let you start doing things for her no matter how basic it is. Suddenly becoming needy or clingy isn’t exactly an independent woman’s MO.

Does that mean independent women don’t like to be taken care of? Of course not! It’s just that they’d rather communicate their needs in hints and signs than be caught dead asking vocally. And hey, we all can agree that men are absolutely terrible with hints, right?

On vulnerability

An independent lady is independent not only because she is able to handle her financial needs, but has also mastered her emotions, feelings and needs. When she enters a relationship, it takes a bit more time than a regular girl to open up, emotionally.

She needs to be completely into you and at a place where she feels and understands that she can be vulnerable with her man and not be judged. She fears showing the vulnerable side of her and thus gets defensive when that side gets brushed, however lightly. The reluctance in letting the wall she built around her heart down could very well push the man away.

That is because the wall doesn’t just crumple; it’s broken step-by-step. And the time it takes varies, depending on the parties involved and a few other dynamic factors. So, when dealing with a Miss Independent, patience is a required virtue.

On dates with Miss Independent

Now, going on dates and meetups with independent ladies is like attending a job interview with an endless interrogation session, and that’s because they want to be sure you have what they seek. For them, it is more about the man’s intellectual capacity, his plans, his goals and how all these fit into theirs. Man, you gotta know what you want for yourself and from her before you even consider asking her out on a date ’cause she’s not there for the food & drinks.

You should know…

Interestingly, with all the display of strength, power and autonomy, do not be deceived; these Miss Independents are soft on the inside. They are just super terrified to be hurt, which makes them human, of course. Except for them, the fear is on another level.

They are actually more frightened of the whole love thing especially when they have fallen in love with you. Even after you’ve assured them of your true feelings and intentions. And that’s because they know once they fully let down their guard, they lose control over what happens next.

This, people, is what scares them shitless. Hence why they act on the defensive in relationships.

~
Thanks for reading. Ben and I will like to read your thoughts on this in the comment section below.
~
You can find Benjamin aka the Baba isale (Godfather) of African bloggers’ works on Benjamin WATCH. Read the