I said I would write you a diary of all the things that I wanted to do to you while you were untouchable and then you dropped the bomb that you did not think we should be intimate anymore (brings tears to my eyes just writing that). I was being respectful of what you needed to do and kept a physical distance although there were times when I just wanted to grab you and feel you against me and kiss your lips and generally have my wicked way…
I have met many men in my life but the moment I saw you I knew that you were different. Your kind eyes with a cheeky glint instantly drew me to you. I felt that we already had an intellectual connection even though it was mostly through text messages. Your intelligence and softly spoken voice with that little laugh has been like an intoxicating drug for me that I cannot get enough of.
I wanted to know everything about you but you kept your air of mystery (as you said you would) which of course made me want to know more. But you would drop little pieces of information and then say, “No… I’ll tell you one day”, which kept me hoping you would trust me enough to do that… one day!
I told you that you had a calming effect on me when I am with you. It just feels like I was meant to meet you. So many people cross our life paths and for many it is about what they can get from you, whether it is sex, money or some other selfish requirements. I did not feel that from you. It was just so. No greedy expectations. After a short time, a mutual respect… Well that is my point of view.
But I turned into this person who could not have a normal conversation with you because I was so nervous around you and just kept talking about my feelings. I guess it was because I was hoping you would say that you felt similar and even though there were glimpses of that, I never really got that from you. Which really is a stupid thing to write because you said you would not allow yourself to have those feelings for me but I always wondered if you could have, under different circumstances.
On the other side, when I am not with you, I have an internal battle about not wanting to think about you and when I would see you next because the outcome eventually is that it will not go anywhere verses just to make the most of you being here because you are the type of person I would want to be with and enjoy while you are here.
You said last night that it may look good at the moment but eventually it wouldn’t have worked with us… at least, that is how I understood it. I realise that there are many differences between us but it was fun finding them out and what could be compromised or not, and if I could have been happy with those decisions.
You asked why I was angry and I couldn’t figure out how to say it. Well, I am angry at myself first that I allowed these feelings for you and then I was angry because I misunderstood how long you were going to be here. I thought you were here at least until the end of next year and then you said three months more, maybe!
That was a shock and my heart felt so heavy. Thought I did okay though as I didn’t burst into tears until you got out of the car and now I haven’t really stopped. I just thought I had more time with you. Once you leave Adelaide, my guess is that we will not see each other again and if we do, it will not be the same. (Now John Legend is singing All Of Me and that is not helping my tears go away)
I am angry at you for not talking to me more about what is happening with you. I knew that this was going to happen just was not prepared for the short time frame. As per every other time, I do not want to say goodbye (even though you say we never say goodbye).
I knew the first time that you said you were not staying in Adelaide that I would be in tears. I knew that when you said don’t fall in love with you, that I was already on my way. I never thought I would have such strong feelings for someone ever again. I never thought that someone like you would ever be remotely interested in someone like me. I don’t know how this happened so quickly.
Frankly, I don’t care as I think knowing you and saying goodbye is better than not knowing you at all. You have shown me that a black man can be respectful. There are good guys out there and you are one of them. Very good looking, intelligent and with only a small whiff of arrogance.
It was a pleasant change from all these men that think they are all that.
I realise that this may be self indulgent to say all of this to you and then expect some sort of reply to rebuild my broken heart (lol), but maybe if I explain myself, you will have a better understanding of me. Assuming that you want to, and that you’ll know I’m not really that crazy!!!
So, in saying all of that, I understand if you are running away as fast as possible, blocking me from Facebook and changing your phone number.
But if you are smiling at the end of all this I hope that we can still be friends, and I would like to spend at least one more night with you… all night (ok more than one but at least one).
I am eternally grateful that I have met you and met such an amazing man that I will always have happy thoughts of, and somehow, I hope I have brought a smile to your gorgeous face.
Hey, Sunprince was written by Soulstartler. You can find Soulstartler on Twitter @soulstarter1