We all know what season it is…
This is the time where power will change hands; some boyfriends will be temporarily dethroned and new ones will be onboarded. Nigerian social media platforms are about to be hot! Stew and sauce everywhere!
Relationships that have been under construction since January will finally hit the rocks and crumble like the historical wall of Jericho.
Winter guys are coming!!! Or should I say, ‘the replacements are here?’
*inserts suspense theme*
The yuletide season is usually accompanied with the influx of our ‘obodo-oyinbo’ brothers.
The IJGBs (I Just Got Backs) are already storming the city of Lagos with their “yo yo,” “init,” “yeah, bro,” “n*gga” “f%ck” and “sh*t mehn”; slangs that seem to always find their way into every statement they make.
They are already landing at the airport with bangs, showing off their glowing skin, dark shades, flashy outfits, ears, necks, wrists and fingers blinging, rap music blasting off their badass convertibles, flashing wads of cash and spewing confusing British-American accent everywhere🙄
Like can they just stick with one hustle already? Which one is mixing British English up with American accent? They don’t even get the pronunciations of most words right so what’s the fraa paa pa about gan?
Even the ones who just got back from Malaysia have British accent…pheeew!🤦♀️
Popular hangouts will be abuzz with some of these guys spraying hard currencies like it’s a giveaway. Hell yeah, it is.
Eyes will bulge, necks will turn, unplanned dates will be fixed and lots of ‘shifting’ will take place. It’s about to go down!
You know that feeling where you see something coming and you can’t avert it? I’m talking about that feeling of helplessness that makes you jitter. Yup, that one!
That’s how some Naija boyfriends will feel these coming days because their intimidating ‘rivals’ are coming home.
This is the Nigerian home coming, y’all 😅
Wait a minute; this scenario is somewhat familiar… Let me see…hmmmm… where have I seen it before… oh, got it!
You remember those epic Yoruba movies where a young struggling chap –who-never-chop-belleful– is courting the most beautiful girl in the village?
Familiar? Now, you’re on track!
So, this young couple basks in the euphoria of their Romeo and Juliet themed love storyto the admiration of other villagers. The guy has been saving his meager income so he can afford the bride price of his damsel, the one who has promised him only death could do them part.
Then suddenly… somebody say, “suddenly!”
The king; old, not-so-handsome, powerful, I repeat, not-so-handsome, goes for the kill and points at the lady the way you point at a wriggling catfish of your choice in a big basin filled with water and other catfish in a point-and-kill restaurant.
The lady initially shows resistance, crying and begging that she only wants to be with her lover, the meager income earner. But at the end, we see her sitting pretty in her royal attire, next to the king’s third wife, grinning like a jackpot winner while a royal maiden fans her from behind.
Her head, neck, wrists and anklets, all adorned with coral beads. Her lips painted glossy black. Her skin glowing radiantly. Flesh has filled up her once hollowed neck and cheeks; all evidence that she has being pampered with money and enjoying it.
Oh wait! What about the lover she claimed she couldn’t do without? 🤣 Mad o!
Afterall, “Na money be fine bobo” –Mayorkun, 2018.
This period, many relationships will be subjected to the loyalty test and many F9s go full ground because las las, it will end in tears, as in serious ekun egbere.
Only a few Nigerian men would sleep peacefully, knowing fully well that come what may, no choking-cologne IJGB can‘snatch’their forever-loyal Bae.
Shoutout to the #TeamLoyal.
So guys, I mean my Naija guys, here I am, rooting for you.
Be consoled with this; you have always been there and will continue to be after the carnival is over and e don clear for everybody eyes. Winter guys will be gone and dem ladies will revert to default mode.
This post is not to spread panic but to remind you of that which you must do to secure the bag, I mean your relationship.
This is the time to spend more time with your cupcake at every chance you get. Don’t just sit at home watching old movies on your laptop with the excuse of, “I don’t like going out” –unless you are watching with bae, of course.
Bros, get involved o, because these winter guys ain’t smiling, yo! They are here to put asunder and plunder the spoils of your relationship.
Go all out and have fun with your cherikoko, according to your pocket size. Na girl wey wan stay with you go stay o. No go dey do pass yourself. But biko, still DO!
There are loads of movies to catch up with at the cinemas, countless pools to jump into with her – I’m talking swimming please, not that other one, ehn en.
Go on a short baecation, enjoy your woman, and spoil her in whatever way you can afford. This ain’t no time to pick unnecessary fights with her just because money no too dey. If na 10K you get, use am find enjoyment package wey be your size to jollificate with ya bae, because… hmmm… it’s okay, A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE.
Don’t leave the one you’ve been nurturing all this while at the mercy of the winter sharks; these ones are ruthless and leave no prisoners.
Now to the ladies;
Wait, you thought we won’t come for you? You joke, girl!
Whatever you choose to do with your life this season, feel free; it’s your life, right? #Pepperdemgang #SlayQueen #YOLO
You are absolutely correct, it is your life but then, yuletide will come and go, just like Ghana must go. These IJGBs have come, they are still coming but surely, they will go. They shall return to wherever they came from.
You probably think this is the time to meet your soulmate and leave the guy who has been buying you soulmate cream for your hair behind for a “janded prince charming”. No worry, this too shall pass.
Na me talk am.
Wise people no too like to dey talk too much. All we gatz tell you be say… USE YA HEAD!
‘The “I Just Got Back” (IJGBs) season is here!’ was co-authored by Bolaji Gelax and Kemi Classico find her on Instagram @kemiclassico and follow me everywhere @bolajigelax
Featured image by Christinne Muschi / Reuters