Eeeerm… Apologies in advance to the non-bleeding Stars 🤭
It is not enough that my ovary cries a crimson river every month, but no, biology is insatiable like fire, it wants more.
Some months, the river flows twice! Jesus friggin Christ! Why? Because my menstrual cycle chooses to be short without consulting me first, so I experience the crimson flow on the first week of the month and last week of the same month.
Wahala for who dey experience flow twice. What will I not see in this female life of mine?
Then, I have to deal with the menstrual symptoms for the three days of flow and two days of spotting; cramping, loss of appetite, heaviness, increased sexual urge, mild diarrhea, back pain, waist pain, emotional pain, fingernail pain and other pains too disrespectful to mention.
But before the main show, pre-menstrual symptoms (PMS) gives me a smack down first, and the most pronounced of the hit is the period boobs. Somebody help!
My boobs become so tender and heavy that I fear that it will burst if I poke it with a needle. The two pointed sisters at the tip become so sensitive that I am tempted to cry, coupled with the pains I feel all over my chest region.
This goes on for exactly five days before my period.
What does this mean?
I no longer need to start calculating my period days with a calendar. Once my boobs feels heavy like Olumo rock, I ensure that I cancel every appointment from the 6th-9th days after it starts because my period will definitely show face like a popular Nigerian artiste that has money.
I dare not run or do any activity that will stress my chest region; else, I will have myself and gender to blame. I have to wear a very tight ‘brazilla’ throughout the day and when I sleep. For someone who likes to sleep like a newly birthed baby, I find this very disconcerting. I didn’t sign up for this, yo!
My period boobs was so severe one time that I had to do some reading on Google, and I discovered that the hormones progesterone and oestrogen are responsible for this wickedness. Both of them cause the boob tissue and milk glands to swell like garri ijebu.
Who send you guys message forgossakes?
Like, I can’t legit experience a painless period without some oversabi hormones doing the most. Why must there be a conspiracy?
I also discovered that I can get over the counter medicine to relieve the pain. For someone who is averse to taking drugs unless my life is on the line or there is a toy gun pointed at my coconut head, I consider using the drugs as a No No!
What is ordinary period boobs pain that I cannot bear?
My Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who went through tribulations before his death, bore his pains gracefully, so why should I be swallowing tablets every month like it is some apple juice because of ordinary period boobs that make me cry?
I am not cool with the pain, but it is a cross that has an expiry date.
So, all I can do is recline in my chair and cross my leg on the table – A pack of juice in my right hand and a plate of small chops on the left to celebrate the end of my punishment, sorry, period at the end of the every month.
With great punishment comes great responsibility. (I meant period, but, it’s not like I am going to get sanctioned by my ovaries for saying that, is it?)
I am proud to be a female though; at least, I can use my period as a strong reason to take the day off work and rest in bed while singing Beyoncé’s if I were a boy, even though it will never happen because biology hates me.
Man, all I was thinking about while reading this was how lucky I am to be done with the Red Lady for 2020, phew! See you next year, sis!