Single Celibate Christian: We Tried, It Was Painful

The first time I wrote erotica on the blog (see here), I got a series of calls from concerned citizens. They wanted to check my salvation, or should I call it sexual state. Uncle B said he was being careful not to sound judgmental as I was a grown woman, but he still needed to ask where I got the knowledge to write erotica.

The truth is, as a writer, there are many topics you will write about which you may have never experienced. I can conveniently write about orgasm even though I’ve never climaxed, and in the same vein, I can write about murder. That’s why there is a thing called research.

But oh, I’m Christian, how dare I write about sex!

I’m not here to argue what a Christian can write about or not. To each his own, according to thy conviction.

The bone of contention here is how shying away from talking about our body and sex education cause more harm than what we are trying to prevent in the first place. I put up the link to last week’s episode of Single Celibate Christian on my WhatsApp status, and a darling buzzed me up. She mentioned that the first time she learnt that a woman had three holes down there was in her third year in University. I spent 7 years in the University, and I didn’t even know about it until my final year. I basically thought I peed from the same hole my menstruation comes out from.

The pee hole is called the urethra, the blood hole is the vagina, while your poo comes out of the anus.

I uploaded a screenshot of my chat with the lady on my status and, Dearests, the number of ladies who sent me a DM about not knowing they had three holes was quite alarming. More devastating was the fact that 70% of them were married women. I was so heartbroken.

Oh gosh, y’all need to hear the gist about the first time I tried using a tampon😂. Gail can bear me witness. It was so painful and embarrassing. I will be sharing that story on Instagram later on, follow me HERE to keep tabs.

In another news, I’ll be having an IG live chat with my pastor on this Single Celibate Christian series next week. Please, join in.

I digress.

My Sugar K told me how her Biology teacher in secondary school couldn’t even teach them about reproduction herself because she was too religious to discuss it. Hence, she made their class captain read the topic and explain to the class.

Like what the frigging heck?! Why did their parents pay school fees then?

If the education board didn’t think it was essential, I believe it wouldn’t have made it into the curriculum in the first place. So, why on earth should a teacher refuse to do the job she was paid for because she’s a Christian and considered herself “too holy” to tell her students about their body? Phew!

*Pausing to take a deep breath*

Let’s talk about blue balls in men, but first, a quick story.

I got into an entanglement with a very cute guy during my undergraduate days. He was a typical Yoruba demon, smooth and all that. The first time I visited him, he pressed for sex, but of course, I said no. He got angry and I spent all night begging him. He didn’t get why I was trying to keep myself.

“Do you think that is the ticket to heaven?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’m just not ready”.

“Why? Because you don’t like me enough or what?”

“Of course, I like you. If I didn’t, would I have travelled all the way from my school to your place?”

“So, what’s stopping us from doing it?”

I looked away. I had to, I was almost getting drown in his beautiful gaze and pheromones.

“I’ll be very gentle with you. I promise. You’ll like it”.

“I know I will. I’m not that naive”.

“So you’re not a virgin?”

“I didn’t say that. I only said I know sex is sweet, but I’m not ready”.

I should have kept quiet. Man got so pissed, he picked a pillow and went to sleep in the sitting room after warning me not to even think of disturbing him.

I couldn’t sleep. I was scared of losing such a spec of a man because of sex. I thought about compromising. I decided I didn’t have to go all the way, we can just do ‘small play’, and everybody will be all right. I was going to propose that to him in the morning.

The next day came, and he wasn’t even talking to me. In fact, he left me all by myself in the house for a long time. When he got back, I asked if he had gone to have sex with someone else. He said no, he couldn’t do that to me while I was in his house, but that didn’t mean he got no offers. Relieved, I asked if he wanted to talk about last night.

I tabled my proposal, asking him to teach me how to please him without actually having sex. I wasn’t ready for that yet, but I didn’t want to lose him either. (I’m too ashamed to tell y’all the things I proposed🙈). He told me how a man could almost die from having blue balls. I had heard that before so it was easy to believe him.

Bolaji Gelax - Gelax Chatroom

He told me I was attractive and that each time he saw me, his manhood stood at attention. Other sexual acts would not ease him of the pain, he said. He accused me of being selfish and not caring about how much pain me depriving him of sex was causing.

“If you tell lies and commit other sins, what makes you think not having sex would get you into heaven?” He posed.

Man pulled several emotional manipulative cards on me, and boy, did I buy them? He looked like he could actually die from blue balls. I felt so bad and unsure.

He held my hand in his tenderly and asked me to look into his eyes.

“Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?”

I shook my head. Then he placed my hand on his phallus. It was as hard as a metal rod but warm. I trembled.

“Baby, can you feel me?”

A lump formed in my throat; yes, I could feel him -it. It seemed like it was breathing and getting harder under my palm.

“Don’t you want to play with it? It doesn’t bite you know”.

I gave him a tight smile but did nothing.

Then he placed my fingers around it and began to…

SNAP!

That’s enough child, let’s get back to the main gist😜

You see, all my life until that time, no one had ever told me that blue balls wasn’t as dangerous as getting a man killed if he didn’t ejaculate. Neither did I know for sure that he did not necessarily need a partner to relieve blue balls through sex ALONE as he made me believe. Heck! Brother genuinely looked like he was going to faint.

I was feeling bad for him and I thought I really needed to help him. I also wanted to feel him, because even in ‘his pains’ he was still doing nice things to me that made me wet and yearn for him.

By the way, did you know there’s something called Blue Vulva as well?

Anyway, yes, we tried having sex, but it was too painful. I was practically screaming the whole house down. Yo guys, I ran out of the room into the bathroom like a frighten kitten…ROTFL (I’m legit laughing with tears at myself right now). I was sore and in so much pain that I had to limp back into the room that night.

Just before he dropped me off at the park the next morning, he planted a wet kiss on my lips and said,

“Can you get an empty roll-on bottle when you get to sch…”

“What for?” I interrupted.

He smiled. “Will you let me finish first?”

“I’m sorry”, I replied sheepishly.

He then went on to describe how the ball on the bottle and the curved design of a particular roll-on brand would be helpful for me to use on myself.

“It will still hurt the first time, but subsequently, everything will enter, and you won’t feel the pain again”. Modaforker!

“Eeerrm… Is that not risky?”

“No, it’s the safest to start with. You can always wash it before and after each use”.

This didn’t sit well with me, but there was no time to ask further questions.

“I’ll explain to you when we talk later tonight”.

One last long kiss and I got down from the car. He watched me walk like I had something in between my legs into the bus before driving off. Each time we entered a pothole, I felt a dull pain that made me wince. All through the ride, I was just wondering how on earth I was supposed to use a roll-on bottle on myself.

He did explain to me later that evening that the bottle was to help open up my vagina so he won’t have to struggle to penetrate when next we meet. I complained to him about how sore I felt down there. He laughed and called me a baby.

“I would have told you to let another guy help you before we meet again, but I think the bottle is better because of the pain you feel. You should do it yourself”.

Heheheeee… Let’s thank God for that pain. It was my saving grace. I forgot (or intentionally ignored) why I had decided to wait because a Yoruba demon played on my naivety.

When I later found out, from friends, that his claim was untrue, I just kept picturing how cheated I would have felt if I had had sex with him because I thought he could actually have died from blue balls. Chai! 🙆

We didn’t even try it with a condom! Nne, just imagine what ignorance could have cost me!

Dear young lady, blue balls has never killed any man, don’t let anyone pack your stew with bread! {Ask a Yoruba person for translation}

Dear men, I know it truly hurts, but please, stop guilty-tripping girls into having sex with you. Ko make sense rara.

Hey, Stars! Thank you so much for taking this ride with me, it’s been amazing! I’d like to feature a story or two from the #Galaxy. If you have an experience that fits into the Single Celibate Christian series, please send me an email at gelaxchatroom@gmail.com for a possible feature.

Catch the Episodes One , Two, four, five, six, seven and eight of this series. Also, check out my post on celibacy here. Let’s chat in the comment section, Star!

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Bolaji Gelax

Hey, Star! Thanks for stopping by my world. I'm a gorgeous, sassy radio junkie who enjoys playing devil's advocate. I love everything that makes me happy, which includes the Stars in my #Galaxy. They call me MISS FLOWERY because I bring good vibes, love and light. Feel free to explore my world ❤✨

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32 thoughts on “Single Celibate Christian: We Tried, It Was Painful

  1. Hey God!
    I’m too speechless to even say anything.
    Thank you for this educating piece and for sharing such private info with us.
    I’ll come back and comment

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    1. Awww… Thank you more for following, Mammy. I love you! 😘

      We shall be waiting to read your other comment. ❤✨

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  2. First to comment! Smiling all through the read. OMG! How good you write!!! I will come back to the topic, lemme re-read again! 😊

    Holla!

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    1. First to comment, kwa! 😂😂😂

      You’ve been coming late to class these days, what’s up with you?

      Holla right back at you! I miss you in the #Galaxy. Thank you plenty plenty.❤✨

      But sha, this one everyone is coming back to comment like this, am I safe? 😂

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  3. Nonfiction is the most descriptive to write, especially when the narrative is unhinged. Well done on both the writing and experience.

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  4. Ahn. This blue balls story ehn. 😂😂😂 One was practically crying, saying he was experiencing severe pains in his stomach blah blah blah. Omo I found my way out of the house because he was looking like he was about to do something really dangerous.

    Chai. This post brings back plenty memories sha o

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    1. Babe! If we start to count how many times we’ve heard the blue balls story ehn, ground go full! 😂

      *whispering*
      Did you notice the male Stars in the #Galaxy are not saying much on this post? 🤭

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      1. Olori GelaxStars! Wot-do-u-mean Male Stars ain’t saying much? See eh, Epididymal hypertension📖 AKA Blue balls is real and can be very discomforting after sexual arousal without orgasm. The testicle is gorged with blood flow ready for some action.

        One can literally be walking in slow motion like d testicles is hanging even after seeing an erotic movie or clip! (Sometimes)

        BUT it will not kill anyone or have any dangerous effect. That one is a lie to get laid. Blood will later flow off the testicle with time.

        To fast track it without self-ejaculating, Just take a cold shower, focus on a non sexual activity (Work), Lift something heavy to exert pressure, Do a sit up etc!

        You don’t need to put pressure on somebody daughter that is not ready.

        Am pleased to hear girls experience Blue Vulva😁😂 Thanks for the info Gelax.

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        1. I was only stating the obvious 🤭.

          Yes, it hurts, we know, but you guys always act like it could kill you. Not to worry, we (girls) won’t use our blue vulva to trick you, because we’re good. We can get what we want, in the right way. *clicks tongue*

          Funny enough, the things y’all need to do to get over your blue balls are great activities that can help you build your muscles.😁

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  5. Interesting!!! Of a truth, blue balls can be extremely painful. But no one has ever died from that to the best of my knowledge. Thanks for sharing your ‘blue ball’ adventure 😁

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  6. Wow! Wow! Wow! I am so amused by this because something similar happened to me. I was wavering, at the point of saying yes when he broke it off because of his blue balls 😂.

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  7. I just took time to read this and my reaction is 👏 and 😂.

    You told this so well that I was smiling and ‘o deep’ing to myself. I feel like it’s a post I’ll come back to for its humor and down-to-earth tone.

    Also, I’ve missed a lot (why didn’t you press?!) I need to catch up on previous episodes.

    Keep it up!

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    1. Awww… I read this comment in your voice and that made it more special, and funny. Thank you sooooo much!

      Please catch up on the previous ones and be back next Saturday.❤✨

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    1. Thank you, Bam!

      Yes o, we ladies can start crying wolf about our blue vulva too😂

      Saturday is almost here 😉

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