Why does it always seem like girls in sexually active relationships get better gifts and goodies than their celibate counterparts?
Back in school, especially in the hostels, the girls who got the most surprises on Valentine’s Day and on their birthdays were definitely not of my lot.
The year I got the most Val gifts was in my 100-200 level, and trust me when I say that was perhaps my most adventurous year. No jokes. After that (scoffs), let’s just be thanking God.
One time, my adopted sister, Sweetest, and I organized gift hampers and cakes service for Valentine in front of Moremi hall. Sweetest was in charge of baking the cakes and getting the gifts, while my sweet mouth and I were put in charge of marketing, customer service and sales. We ran the service for about a week, and I tell you, the girls we delivered gifts to, sometimes multiple gifts from different guys, were not the ‘good’ girls.
Guess what the good girls got? Receiving deliveries on behalf of their friends and attending the special Valentine‘s Day service organized in church, after which they rushed back home hoping to still meet some of their roommates’ cake and unwrap her gifts with them.
As Debbie walked back to the room, her eyes grew green with envy at the big fluffy teddy bear and large red velvet cake. She hastily shut down the feeling recalling what Pastor Felix had told them in church earlier about how most of these ‘bad girls’ who seem to be chopping life now would end their lives in regret. Finding consolation in that, she plugged in her earpiece and played Whitney Houston’s ‘I Will Always Love You” as she laid on the bed and hugged her pillow. Soon, Debbie was in la-la land dreaming of the man God had specially made for her, the one who would love and respect her for keeping herself for him. She smiled up at his beautiful face, as they danced to the music in their hearts when all of a sudden, he went down on one knee. She was short of breath when he pulled out the tiny black box from his pocket. Someone screamed,
“He proposed! He proposed!”
Her roommate, Fola, had just barged into the room waving her hands and screaming,
“Girls, he proposed!”
Debbie was so angry about the interrupted dream that she felt like throwing the pillow at Fola who was jumping and shouting as though she had just won a lottery.
“Who proposed?” Another roommate asked the girl too excited to stay still. Debbie sat up.
“He asked me to marry him, and I said yes! Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it. I’m getting married!” she shrieked with excitement.
“Who proposed, Fola? Is it Tommy?”
Fola stopped short and gave her roommate a dirty look, “God forbid bad thing. Does Tommy look to you like someone I’d ever get married to? Why would you think I’d want to marry his broke ass?” she asked hissing.
“Oh, it must be Honourable Adeola then,” another roommate chipped in.
Fola rolled her eyes at the girls.
“Oh please! You guys, how can I be anyone’s fourth wife now?”
Debbie sighed and spoke for the first time, “Who proposed to you then, Fola?” She was tired of all the histrionics.
Fola smiled and raised her left hand up to the light so the girls could get a better glimpse of her engagement ring, “My Chris and I are getting married!” She preened as she made the announcement.
The other three roommates hugged and congratulated her. Fola stretched her hand out for them to admire the ring. However, Debbie couldn’t bring herself to join in the celebration. She had questions.
“Fola, did you not just meet Chris?” she raised.
“And so? Fola retorted.
“What do you mean, and so? It’s not even up to four months you met this guy”.
Fola strutted to Debbie’s side of the room where she was sitting on the upper bunk and placed her left hand on Debbie’s lap. “My dear, would it not be stupid of me to turn down a proposal from a guy as handsome, rich and good in bed as Chris because ‘It’s not even up to four months you met this guy’”, she mimicked.
“Does he know you are seeing other people?” Debbie wasn’t done with her yet.
“And why will I tell him that? Please, please, don’t be a killjoy abeg”. She hissed. “What’s your own, are you jealous?”
“Me? Why would I be jealous? I just wanted to…”
“You just wanted to what?” Fola interrupted, hissing. “Abeg abeg, mind your business, please”. She walked away from her and returned to her bed space.
The other girls who had been enjoying the back and forth going on between Debbie and Fola burst out laughing.
“Hmmm… Sister Debbie of the Most High.” One of the girls whispered, causing others to giggle.
“Fola, please when are we eating this fine cake Tommy sent?” Another girl asked.
“Oh yeah, bring your plate jere”.
The girls jumped from their beds eagerly to fetch their plates.
Debbie felt terrible for coming at Fola the way she did. The rock on her finger sparkled in the light as she unboxed the big cake her other boyfriend had sent to her.
“I’m sorry, Fola, and congratulations,” she said remorsefully.
“Thank you o, sis Debbie of God. You can bring your plate for a slice of cake too, if you want”. Her phone began to ring. It was Honourable Adeola calling.
“My honourable, yes now, I got the alert, sir.”
Fola signalled that the girls should help themselves to the cake.
“No baby, it’s not like that, I was waiting till evening to call you”.
Debbie shook your head as she laid back on her bed. She felt sorry for her roommate because she knew all that Fola was doing would backfire.
She thought as she scrolled through Fola’s WhatsApp’s status. The pictures were beautiful. She had just finished calling Fola to wish her congratulations on her tenth wedding anniversary.
Fola was definitely living the life. Same Fola who had at least three other men at the time Chris proposed to her back in school has been happily married to him for ten years and they had three adorable children. Yet, here she was at 33, as single as the last Pringle in a can, still waiting for Mr Right.
This life is really not balanced.
She has gotten to the point where she wondered if keeping herself was even worth it. I mean, she has been waiting for the man who now looks like God forgot to make. Those who praised her for keeping herself are the same people now subtly throwing jabs at her saying, “Look, your friend Fola has three kids already, what are you doing with your life?”
She was tired of hearing, “Don’t worry; your own man will come in God’s time”.
When is God’s time ever going to come? What kind of traffic is it stuck in?
Two weeks ago, it was announced in church that one of their pastors was getting married to sister Stella.
She was not one to judge people by the past, but this Stella was once more wayward than the word itself. How on earth did the spirit-filled Pastor Kingsley not receive any other sister but Stella, who only came to Christ barely two years ago?
What was the point of celibacy then if the ‘sinners’ got all the good men?
Like I started here, I don’t have answers to many of the questions that would be raised in this series. That’s why I’m trying to create a safe space for us to reason together and hopefully, find answers to these burning questions.
However, I would like to say this here;
Dear woman, sex is not a gift to a man. It is not and shouldn’t be a transaction. That’s why many ladies feel used after a fallout, because we were brought up to believe sex is something women give and men get. And we wonder why some girls have nothing else to offer in a relationship than sex.
We need a mental shift. When you stop “giving” men sex as barter for the things they give or do for you, we will have more sensible women. You will be forced to bring something substantial to the table; otherwise, you do not deserve to sit there.
Dear Single Celibate Christian, marriage is not a reward for celibacy, and neither is finding a good man/woman. If that’s why you’ve chosen to be celibate, my darling, you might be in for a shocker!
Image credit: Noah Oladele & Joy Chime