My friend was getting married and though I couldn’t be there, I was following the event closely on social media. I was beside myself with joy about the union, therefore, I updated my status with the beautiful pictures from the wedding.
Boy, boy! The number of…
“Awww… Cute couple! Bolaji, when are you getting married?”
“Gelax, you sef no wan marry?”
“My sister, hope you know you are not getting any younger? You better stop pursuing career and settle down before it’s too late o”.
…and other annoying comments I got that day almost drove me insane.
Oh, let me introduce you to how phone conversations between my mother and I go these days.
Phone call with my mother:
“Hello, omo Bee, bawo ni? (Hello, child, how are you?)
“Mo fine ma?” (I’m fine ma)
“Shey Alafia ni gbogbo nko?” (Is everything okay?)
“Beeni ma”. (Yes ma)
“Tooo… oro wa nko? Bawo ni tibi, awon brother nko?” (What about our discussion? What about the brother?)
“Aunty… won wa”. (Aunty, he’s fine).
For some weird reason, I call my mother aunty.
“Ah, kini oruko won ka le ma gbadura”. (What’s his name so I can start praying about him)
BTW, I stopped telling my mothers about my partners because they never forget them and they literally now count for me. That’s when you hear things like,
“What’s up with X, is he married now?”
“How many kids does Y have now?”
Or,
“If Z isn’t married after all these years, do you still think maybe you guys can get back together?”
Shoot me already! 🤦 Ain’t no spilling again until I’m certain the next one is the ONE ONE. Thank you!
Back to the call:
“Aunty, e sha ma gbadura funmi”. (Aunty, just keep praying for me)
“Haba, omo Bee, kiloshele? Ojo maa ti n lo…” (Ah child, what’s the problem? Time is of the essence…)
And thus goes our conversation every single time with her launching into a monologue about how old I am and why I need to get married fast so I can start giving birth before it’s too late.
Phew!
You see, the passion with which my mothers ask me about the man in my life is not on the same level with which they ask about other things that concern me. I don’t get it. When did that even start? When did I become so ‘adult’ that they assume I can handle every other aspects of my life by myself, but they need to intervene as regards marriage?
Ah, if I open the cooler about my father’s strategy, na here we go sleep today, Olorun n gbo!
***
Late last year was a really tough time for me. I was under a lot of pressure at work, I was swimming in debt, my bills were mounting, plus my head was in a very messy space. To crown it all, my Bobo was seriously misbehaving. Gosh! It was such a difficult time. All I wanted to do was fly away like a butterfly that I am, to a place where I didn’t have to worry about a thing, relax and be pampered. I would have given up eating spaghetti for the rest of my life for that. No jokes.
Man, adulthood is the biggest scam!
I was barely keeping my head above water and my tolerance level for BS was on minus. But, of course, a lot of people didn’t know what I was going through. It was yuletide, a season when marriage talks are usually on the high and I knew I couldn’t handle any emotionally draining conversations. I simply shut certain people out of my life that period. “Oosa too ba le gbe ni, ko seni bo se bani”. (If you can’t proffer a solution to my predicament, the least you can do is not to worsen it).
Ideally, my mother was supposed to make this list, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Y’all know how African mothers can be, right?
She had been on my case incessantly for a while to come home as she hadn’t seen me in a long time. I wanted to see her too, I missed her, but I couldn’t afford it -not financially, and definitely not emotionally. When I made it clear to her I wouldn’t be coming home, she thought she’d better remind me of the marriage talk over the phone.
Eh Lord, I felt like sending her a heavyweight punch! I had too much going on in my life, I didn’t need her singing the, “When are you bringing a man home” song in my ears. It legit drove me nuts.
I decided I was going to call and give her a piece of my mind. I needed to pass my message across clearly without insulting or disrespecting her, so, I prayed to God for strength and the grace to remain calm.
I called my mama one morning and begged her not to say anything until I was done talking. I spoke for about fifteen minutes and by the time I was done, I made her promise to only ask me about ‘my husband’ after asking and receiving response about other issues.
With that, I could breathe a little.
I honestly wish I can have that same conversation with my precious grandmother, uncles, aunties, darling cousin (yes, Doris, catch your sub), friends, lecturers, neighbours, colleagues, bystanders, waka passes, 500MB-monthly social media users, and every other person who keep asking me this same question in variations.
You see, if you are not asking me questions that show you actually care about me, and waiting to hear me drop my baggage on you and perhaps, help me out, then I honestly don’t think you’ve earned the right to ask me when I’ll be getting married. And neither should you dish out unsolicited advice about my age, and how me choosing career over marriage might lead me to being single and childless for the rest of my successful life.
Yes, I said what I said.
Recently, I was on the phone with one of the men I respect the most, let’s call him Daddy S. He was catching up with me, asking what was going on in my life and all. Suddenly, he asked that I reminded him of how old I was. I told him and he proceeded to ask if I was seeing anyone. I told him there was someone I liked. He wanted to know if the feeling was mutual. Were we getting serious? What’s up with us, when were we getting married, he asked. I told him I was not mentally ready for marriage this year, next year, most likely, I replied him.
“Hmmm… are you still laying eggs?”
Confused, “Yes I am,” I said with a dry chuckle.
“What does that tell you?”
Ah ha! It took a second, but the bulb in my head finally came on, and I caught where the conversation was headed.
“It tells you that your eggs don’t know about your decision to wait”. Daddy S provided when I didn’t give an answer. “You are a woman. You won’t always be young…”
What the heck was that?! I was so disappointed. I wanted to be mad at him, but I couldn’t. Instead of playing back the conversation in my head, I decided to tuck it away. I’m good at doing that. It saves me a lot of headaches.
About two weeks after that, I was in the cook room at work when one of my colleagues jokingly asked another colleague if she had laid the eggs she was eating. We all laughed. But, what I thought I had tucked away came resurfacing. This time, it came with a bitter feeling. I still wasn’t angry, but the words made my heart sink.
I couldn’t get mad at Daddy S even though I didn’t like what he said because I knew without an iota of doubt that he loves and cares about me, and everything that concerns my life. This is someone who prays for me like he gets paid to do it. He would ask me about everything, from my finances to my spiritual life and how I am dealing with celibacy whilst in a relationship. What he said that day was harsh quite all right, but my heart couldn’t deny that it came from a good place and he did not mean to hurt me.
We can excuse him.
But who the flipping hell are you who have never shown genuine concern about my life, like what’s up with my mental health, career, job, love life or spirituality, to be asking me when am I getting married?”
How dare you? Who gave you that right? Are you done fixing your life that you and your big mouth are asking such question?
Oh, Sweet. Baby. Jesus. So help me Lord if I do not drag the next aproko to ask my single celibate ass that stupid question! You see, when I’m done with you, I’ll go ask God in His infinite mercy for forgiveness.
Na single I kuku single, I no snatch person husband and I no kill your pikin.
*Exhales*
And to answer your question; I’ll get married on my wedding day. Now, go drink some water, and mind your damn business!
But seriously guys, why do people mount so much pressure on singles to get married? I get it when they say a woman’s biological clock is ticking, but what about men? Who even says it is everyone that wants to get married? Gbogbo eleyi o necessary mehn. It is wrong to assume that it is everyone that ‘refuses’ to get married because they are pursuing their careers. What about other issues like disappointments, broken hearts, incompatibility, “I’m not mentally, emotionally, or financially ready”, or simply choosing not to tie the knots at all?
The funny part is that the main reason our parents especially rush us to get married is because of reproduction. Meanwhile, there are persons who have no interest in having children. What about that, huh?
PS: I know this is more of a rant but heck, I’ve been looking for an avenue to pen this down and see how God made it happen on my Single Celibate Christian series.
PSS: My mother and I still fought this morning over this same marriage matter. I guess I could only hold her off for so long.
Read episodes one, two, three, four, five, seven and eight. I promise, I wasn’t this angry in the previous episodes… LOL.
(Chuckles)… Breathe… Just breathe.
PS, to love is to hurt and yet it hurts when you haven’t loved in a while. To marry is to choose whom to hurt with. In the end, you’re the one that’ll say “yes” on your wedding day. Be intentional… as you always have been.
*Breathes in and out* Thank you jere.
Life is already complicated, like, can we not make it complicated for other people? Ah yes, it will be me and mine in the marriage after all.
Gracias muchos.
Ah, wow. You have really had it with people and their foolishness. Pele.
My mum has been asking me more frequently these past few months. I always just laugh and try to change the subject. I’ve told her that if she stresses me about it, I will pack my load and run away.
My sister, thank you o 😊
Ah ahn, be calming down now 😂😂😂 where do you want to run to that she will not find you? Is it not this our mummies? They will find you, even if it’s inside your dream😂
I believe African parents are not the only set of parents that takes the marriage status of their children seriously. But to be contextual, there are reasons which act as premises for how and why our parents take issues of marriage personally.
In our part of the world, marriage, as a social institution, is conceived as a social status. That explains why peeple begin to panic when they are growing out of the socially set age of marriage. Our parents sometimes assume they have failed in the department of parenting when any of their ‘marriageable’ children is yet to get married. For them, the failure is reflected on not only them, but the child as well.
Women suffer the most from this social contrivance because of their socio-genetic make-up. I personally find it disparaging when some ladies, in a bid to congratulate their female friends who just go engaged or married, go about saying things like ‘Congrats to my friend; she is now off the market’. Is she a yam or car displayed for sale?
This explains the mental backdrop of our thought process and how we engage issues. To some of these people, they see marriage as a sort of accomplishment and someone who isn’t married yet is not complete neither are they accomplished.
We sometimes fail to put or consider other reasons that might not be known to us why people are (or do not want to get) married.
Personally, I think I might be ready for marriage at 35 or 40 🤔. My mom must not see this, she’ll just commit herself to unnecessary prayer and fasting.
Right? That thing pisses me off. Was she up for auction before or what exactly? Like, can they help me make it make sense?
Honestly, I think the whole human race needs a reorientation. Some of the things we believe and hold in high esteem are outrightly appalling!
Imagine people telling a successful 30 or 40 something year old man/woman (who may have adopted a kid) he/she is still incomplete because they are not married. Like how now?😕 Oro yen n run leti now😢
Please, don’t give your mother HBP 😂😂😂
This is quite profound Bolaji. People should really learn to mind their own business-life, marriages, divorce, children-and stop meddling in others.
Besides, I’ve decided now that if someone asks me that question, I would respond by asking “if their husband has stopped cheating, or their marriage is now stable, or if their kids have stopped failing in school?”
Since stupid/inconsiderate questions are being asked, we can all do it together.
Ah! Jùmọ̀kẹ́ haff vex finish oooo. It’s actually annoying because most times, they don’t ask basic and more important questions like how are you doing? How is work? Should I send some money to you?
Like, do you get??? Phew!
Olajumoke completely destroyed this table… WHAT!!! 😭😭😭
I feel you though. Some people need to receive the gbas gbos so they don’t feel they are the only ones who can talk, howbeit stupid that talk is.
I’m kinda grateful that my mum doesn’t nag me with the “when will you marry question” but she has this subtle way of getting under my skin by saying stuffs like “my mates are already grandmothers” or “I can’t wait to carry my grandchildren.”
People who ask me the question most are my male friends and I can’t seem to understand why they do that. Is it that you people want to sponsor the wedding or what?
The worst part is every Pastor that as ever randomly prayed for me only always pray about or “see” marriage vision. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. How about you pray that I hammer one big money or that I land one contract or something. Why always this marriage sha? I appreciate their prayers o. I do.
I’m still trying to process this life. Allow me make these decisions at a healthy pace edaakun.
You don’t know how lucky you are, Yemi. Please, when next your friends ask you that question, just send them an estimated bill for your proposed dream wedding. I promise, they will never ask you again. 😂
That Pastor part, oh Lord have mercy! I think we should start praying for our pastors. They need our prayers more than we know. (No pun intended. Well, maybe teeny weeny 🙊)
Hmmm. What a nice read. I once had a conversation with a male friend that thinks i am too choosy and doesn’t want to settle down. Not until i told him other reasons as disappointments, incompatibility even sex issues. Oga calm down ni o. Our parents, uncles and aunties should learn to be calming down o. You see those people that don’t like to mind their business, they should hug transformer😛😛
Awww… Thanks, darling. ❤✨
It’s crazy how people jump into conclusion. When they are not monkeys 😂
I’ll be glad to take them to the transformer on my street.
“I’ll get married on my wedding day. Now, go drink some water, and mind your damn business!”….This cracked me up, in the midst of the seriousness I put up reading this… Truer words never spoken…
😂😂😂
Thank you plenty plenty plenty ❤✨
My mom asks me, and I am just 23. I guess she would collapse the day I tell her I do not want children, and that if I do not see a man who doesn’t, I would not marry. Until then, I’m ignoring. People ask me if I’d marry my boyfriend. Lol. Why does that fucking bother your lycra wig so damn much? Of what economic importance is my choice to you? None? I supposed. Now fuck outta here with your madness before I pull your hair.
Isn’t it too early to be asking that! 😂😂😂
In 2017, after I returned from NYSC, My dad and I had this talk and I told him in clear terms not to bug me about this issue.
“When I am ready, I will bring him.” I said.
My old man complied and this has helped me to a certain extent to be clearheaded about the decisions I make.
My mum, on the other hand, knows that any attempt to stress me on this topic and I will block her for 600 years, so she is just walking on eggshells around me.
See ehn, as much as I ‘awwn awwn’ on other people’s wedding pictures, I am not financially or mentally ready to take care of someone else right now.
I am still learning to take care of myself.
And know this, all these wedding advocates will not give you monthly allowance when you are married to support you in any way, so why should I give a fuck about them?
Yes, marriage is a big deal and should not be rushed.
So, please give yourself rest so that you won’t have hbp because of people.
Na person wey dey alive dey marry.
😂😂😂 @600 years. You are such an Indaboski!
Heheheee… Do the wedding advocates have enough for themselves? 😕
You are right dear, na who dey alive dey wed💯
Thank you plenty plenty for sharing wisdom with us. ❤✨
I recently shot a younger bro (cousin) intro, family and close friends watching as I pose the new couple with all joy.
Then one Aunty publicly asked, wen are we coming for you own intro? my reply “If Christ tarries before we all die, I’ll surely invite you, you are well concerned about MY LIFE” she left my presence more confused than inspired 😏
No one is getting married for you. So none should pressurize you o jare!
P.S Gelax vexing will not be nice o…I could hear her vibrate with those words.
I will never ask her stupid questions 😌🤐
😂😂😂 Why are you like this? I see you wanted to scatter the woman’s brain😁
Ah! Hmmm… I vex, no be small🙈 You had better not! 😂
Are you still laying eggs??? What sort of intrusive question is that????????
My darling, what will Musa not see at the gate?
Thank you so much for this timely piece. I am thankful that I have parents who have never pressured me on this when will you get married issue. In fact, my Mama dearest is always telling me to enjoy my single days. Concerning the egg issue and having children. I have already told God that even if I am 50 when I marry, he will perform the miracle needed for me to have my children. The truth is many people make noise about when one gets married, but they do not realize that once you enter, you are on your own.
Beth, your parents are the real angels😍
Yes, He’s a miracle worker 🙌
I don’t think they do, and that’s why divorce rate is on a rise. God help us all.
Yes it is a rant, but justified
Thank you, Benjamin. ❤✨
It took a hot minute, but parents know better now than to ask me about getting married. Not like I would start a fight if the topic surfaces, but all the many years of getting a ‘I’m not interested in this topic’ face have thought them to not ask.
I’m at a place where I could care less about anything besides my career. Let everybody face their wahala abeg.
Your parents seem like cool people. If only mine understood face alone, phew!
Right? Right!
So after reading this post since on Saturday, I’ve been waiting to read comments from single people.
I’m glad that y’all are now wise and smart enough to understand that this marriage pressure isn’t necessary and truthfully you don’t need.
Let me confess, these people asking these careless questions about marriage will not be there for you when the going gets tough in marriage. Okay, let me say 0.2% will be there to advice you but the rest will leave you in OYO state!
Please if you ain’t ready, as in financially, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, mbok just relax and enjoy singleness, periodt!
Marriage is not by force and it’s not something to be rushed into so that you don’t rush out!
So when next you’re pressured with that question, feel free to use BJ’s line, “On my wedding day!”
Kai! It makes sense!
That’s my 2 kobo!
Thank you so much!
BTW, Tory Teller has been married for 11 years, I believe we can take her 2 kobo.
Thanks, mammy ❤✨
Hmmmmmm, this was an important rant. Glad you managed to put all your feelings onto paper so beautifully🌸🌸🌸
Gracias muchos, amigo! ♥️✨