Man, this year has been interesting, to say the least. It’s just February but we have decades’ worth of stories to tell already.
From epidemics to ravaging fires and even, deaths. The deaths… They’ve been really devastating.
But the Internet, oh the lovely internet… Amidst the plethora of tragedies, you always have the Internet to offer you a not-so-comic relief. The past week on Nigerian Twitter was something resembling a mix of horror, action, comedy, and drama, all packed in one movie. Only this time, it’s a terrible parody because my reaction all week was, “Are you eff-ing kidding me?”
It started when a man of God advised his ‘sons’ not to marry a woman who cannot cook. Honestly, I tried my best to have an unbiased opinion on it but I just couldn’t help it. My financial situation requires that I try to cook (even though it’s not my favorite pastime activity) else I risk starving to death or going broke within one week of eating out. And heaven knows if I could afford private chefs, ain’t nothing gonna stop me from hiring at least three.
So if you are about that life, hit me up, I’m ready to say yes to you.
Speaking of saying yes; less than 48 hours after the man of God ‘s brouhaha and just as the chaos started to simmer down, a renowned elderly Nigerian actor told his fellow ‘sons of the soil’ that it was wrong to go on their knees to ask a woman to marry them. Like sheesh, let us recover from one wahala first nah!
You guessed it, the whole internet went nuts. People agreeing and disagreeing, giving hot, cold and even plain stupid takes on the issue. I’m a very peaceful person on the Internet, I really am. No matter how upset I get I try to make sure my internet-white-garment remains unsullied. So I stayed in my own cubicle in Obasanjo’s internet and watched the debacle unfold.
If you like, propose to me standing; I’ll take the ring, sell it and use the money to get me some nice weaves.
Talking to me about tradition while tweeting with your iPhone in your Gucci shoes. Why are you not in the farm toiling, in your outfit made of raffia palm? *clicks tongue with a raised brow*
I thought to myself, you know what? It can’t get any worse than this. Only to wake up Saturday morning and find some insane woman talking about, I paraphrase, “Piercing a girl child’s ear is taking away her ability to choose if she wants pierced ears and projecting a stereotype of what girls should look like on her.”
No problem, agreed. While we are on the subject of giving these newborns autonomy, let us leave them to bathe, clothe and feed themselves too now, abi? Let’s save ourselves the hassle. We can also give them their CVs, let them go job-hunting and the best part – we can throw them out after a month of joblessness.
Yaaay for independence!
The thing is, I’m all for freedom of speech. But you see these rules, they are for the poor. Think about it, what rich person has the time to even think about things like these? Who cares? We all live in our own separate bubbles, and our realities are as different as night and day. Do whatever rocks your boat.
But above all, stay safe on the internet. It’s an expressway with many drunk drivers, lunatics and vehicles with faulty brakes. Unless you spot ill-treatment or some crime that requires you lend a voice, drink water or sip tea and mind your business! Make trailer no go jam you oh.
I rest my case!