How I’ve missed y’all, gosh! It’s been two months since you saw my brake lights on this street. I’m sure you know I could have never left the Stars of the bestest Galaxy hanging for no just reason. Heck no!
Let’s just say life has been in my neighbourhood. Phew!
So, here’s the gist…
All right, just before I launch into what’s been up with me, I’d like to know how you’ve been?
Like for real, for real, how have you been? What’s new with you? Has life been good to you? Have you managed to stay happy, pursue your dreams and keep your Star shining ever-so-brightly?
I did miss you, a lotttt, Stars. If you missed me, go on now and drop a comment down below before we continue. I wish you could tell how excited I am to be back to disturbing you *wink wink*
Welcome back. Now, back to the gist…
After the production of my mini-series, Tangerine (read about my 2.5 Million Naira Dream), life dealt with me so hard that your girl literally went from 95 to 9.5, just like that *snaps fingers*
I legit went from achieving my biggest feat yet to falling flat into depression. You already know how big my happy-go-lucky and ever-bubbly personality is, right? Well, that caved and slipped away as the darkest cloud I’ve ever experienced knocked me over with no mercy. It enveloped every inch of my being to the point of suffocation.
Mid-May, I returned to Lagos ready to take the world by storm after a much needed rest. In the few weeks I was away, I did nothing but sleep, eat, sleep, play card games with my siblings, talk to man, watch movies, eat and sleep again. For the first time in about 6 years, I put on a little weight. My once oval face is now round and my belly is surely bigger, with folds.
You may recall that I once mentioned how hell-bent I was on producing Tangerine in April. Well, that was because I knew that by the end of that month, I’d be homeless. Of course, all of my money went into the production and even though I was worried that this was going to be the third time I’d be stranded in my four year stay in Lagos (read here), nothing was going to stop Tangerine. And no, I didn’t tell anybody in my immediate family that I was returning to Lagos a homeless girl.
Talk about me being a coconut head from Ekiti. *Chuckles*
So, there was that and there was me dealing with impostor syndrome.
Who do I think I am?
I must consider myself a Jagaban thinking I can just hop, leave my job in the middle of a pandemic and months after have a big production in the pipeline. Isn’t it?
Really, what do people see in me that they’d agree to invest their money, time, talent and faith in me?
What if Tangerine came out and it’s an epic flop?
What would I say to everyone who thinks highly of me?
Why do people keep saying I inspire them when I’m mostly just being reckless and sometimes borderline stupid?
I was spiraling!
And oh, that was just the tip of the iceberg…hmm. According to schedule, all episodes of Tangerine were to be ready for review by this July but hey, life did what it does best, threw shits at me. Something something happened and I found myself looking for a new editor, renegotiating payment, looking for money, and starting editing all over again.
Maybe someday, I’d garner enough strength to talk about how shitty May 2021 was for me. It was the month every single thing went crashing around me. I was even convinced the devil had selected people and assigned roles to them with the mission to frustrate my joy.
Boy, oh boy! It was a really dark time.
Then came the question, “What next?”
I needed to start making money and the only thing I wanted to do was act and present. But God help me if I could even get myself out of bed.
The production of Tangerine, and the many hiccups that came with it, left my bank account as red as the bottom of Louboutin. I was squatting at a friend’s, had no money, had no income nor the strength or motivation to even audition yet, people were all up in my DMs badgering me with questions about why Tangerine was taking too long. I mean, I really do appreciate all the show of support but in that time and headspace, dealing with all I was, those questions and even congratulatory messages only messed me up some more.
How I went from the fearless Gelax who was an inspiration and a symbol of taking the bull by the horns, a girl probably being envied by some to a jobless, homeless, confused, broke, in debt and depressed girl was a crude reminder that God sure gat jokes.
LOL… to think people were even calling me big girl and rich madam. Smiling took a lot of effort. I cried and drank myself to sleep every other night. I would flare up whenever anyone tried to give me a motivational talk. I hated to hear them, all I wanted was a pity party. Being strong was the last thing I wanted to be. The only time I didn’t feel like a failure was when I had food in my mouth. It sucked!
BUT, in all of these, I never doubted God’s faithfulness and promises towards me. Still, the only thing that comforted me in those weeks I was at the rock bottom of sheer darkness was the thought that GOD FAILED ME. I would say to myself, “Yes God, you did come through for Tangerine and I’m sure You still have much more in stock for me but all I feel very disappointed by You right now”.
I just found it strangely soothing to blame Him for all that was going wrong. After all, He’s the one who puts these crazy ideas in my head and keeps nudging me on.
Guess what, He took it with grace. Not once did He grumble or mumble. I was legit like an abusive wife yet He kept showing me a love so reckless and without conditions. Such a toxic relationship that was… chai!
I’m in a better headspace now and for that, I am extremely grateful.
How I Crawled Out of Depression
- I was open about my struggles
- I allowed myself feel all the emotions, even blaming God
- Sought help
- Went back to what I know how to do best; creating.
- I never stopped believing in me and keeping a strong faith in God.
No, I’m not saying these might work for you, too (should you be in a similar situation), I’m only sharing my story with the hope that you are reminded that…
“Life comes with seasons, highs and lows, victories and knockouts but hold on tight, be resilient, and most importantly, don’t ever stop believing”.Bolaji gelax